HISB: Moving on...NOT YET

It's kinda weird. It's been months. A lot of months.

Every month. At least once, I will google HOW TO FREAKING MOVE ON FOR REAL!!
Meh, I really hope that you'll be mine one day.

For the time being, I will TRY MY BEST not to burst out crying in the car with no specific reason. 


Hormones be gentle please. :(

HISB: I'm a single mother.

I'm not sure if it's safe to write here...

But yeah, I'm a single mother now.

Not sure if I can get used to that term..It's just sooo NOT OJ MOJ. Hahahahahaha.

Life is OK so far. It took me about ammm 7 months to reach this level and selamba-ly say:

QUE SERA, SERA, WHATEVER WILL BE, WILL BE.

But you know what one thing I find it's so hard to do..is not to be reactive.

I must admit I'm too emotional when it comes to WHAT TO FEEL AND WHY I NEED TO FEEL THIS? Maybe it's just something weird in my brain or maybe there's an injured child inside of me that is still not OK and she's just there in pain, while the grown up me, getting through life like she never exists.

Maybe it's time for me to face the injured child and attend the wound.

Sorry terlampau banyak baca buku macam ni lah jadi. Segala term psychology aku keluar wakakakaka.

Tak sure ada orang stalk lagi ke tak?

If yes, hush hush hush this my safe space...for now.

<3 <3 <3

p/s: hush hush if you are into lookin at pics, follow me on ig: oja.moja

To those who think they are all that.

You are not that big screaming deal.

Like how Richard Feynman put it

"I, a universe of atoms, an atom in the universe." 

In other words, on a micro scale we are miracles. On a macro scale we are nothing. 

Get over yourself!

Sheesh.

 

HISB: Mother Teresa's Dark Secret

Did you know that Mother Teresa renounced her faith in God when she was alive? She actually revealed this dark secret of hers in her personal letters. These letters were  preserved against her wishes. (she actually requested for the letters to be destroyed) In the letters, it's very obvious easy to see that she desperately wanted to believe in God but she no longer could. I was wondering if she died in doubts.

"Where is my faith?" she wrote. "Even deep down… there is nothing but emptiness and darkness... If there be God — please forgive me."

"Such deep longing for God… Repulsed, empty, no faith, no love, no zeal," she said.

"What do I labor for?" she asked in one letter. "If there be no God, there can be no soul. If there be no soul then, Jesus, You also are not true."

Frankly speaking, I  found this quite surprising as I thought she did all the good things because of God. Nope. God wasn't her co-pilot. She did all the good things because she kept questioning God. Maybe that was her motivation after all. Like how somebody used to tell me "It's natural to doubt and to question, you only learn if you ask questions".

*shrugs* 

Source:  CBS NEWS
             Time 

HISB: L’appell du vide

Apabila berada di tempat yang sangat tinggi, lihat ke bawah, perasaan seperti mahu terjun datang menyinggah. Kaki merasa lemah. Pemandangan seperti kabur. Seakan-akan, aku rasa aku AKAN terjun. Padahal aku tahu, kalau aku terjun mestilah jawapannya mampos. Hahahaha. Pernah tak rasa macam ni? Aku? All the fucking time. Ketakutan bercampur dengan persoalan "What if".

Atau pun bila memegang pisau, kadang-kadang aku rasa pening juga tengok bilah pisau yang tajam. Dan selalu terbayang, "Omg kalau aku tertikam perut aku macam mana?" Hahahaha.

Dan manusia-manusia bijak pandai mempunyai nama untuk situasi sebegini. It's actually quite normal. *phew* (menarik nafas lega). Di dalam bahasa Perancis nya "L’appell du vide". Di dalam bahasa Inggerisnya ""The call of the void."

Apa itu "The call of the void" ? Apa maksudnya? Apa kaitan dengan perasaan mahu terjun dari tempat tinggi? "The call of the void" mewakili kebaikkan dan keburukan kita sebagai manusia - kecenderungan kita untuk melakukan sesuatu yang bertentangan dengan apa yang kita sepatut lakukan di dalam sesuatu situasi yang diberikan.

Ah kita manusia. Kadang-kadang kita suka kan cabaran kan? Suka kan perubahan. Sanggup mengambil risiko yang besar hanya untuk pulangan yang entah berbaloi atau tidak.

Jadi itulah aku rasa apabila berada di tempat tinggi, void aku pada ketika itu adalah, "Apa di bawah sana". Rasional aku menjerit-jerit "Hoi kau terjun kau mampos lah" tetapi tindak balas badan kita seolah-olah, terjun itu adalah satu dari pilihan. Dalam bahasa mudahnya, aku sebenarnya dipermain-mainkan oleh sistem saraf ku yang tersayang. Dan yeah, imaginasi yang melampau. Hahaha. Btw, aku tidak gayat. Jadi kalau nak ajak aku skydiving, bungee jumping, wall climbing dan apa-apa berkaitan dengan tempat tinggi, aku OK! =)

Sebenarnya aku rasa "L’appell du vide" ini boleh digunakan dalam apa jua situasi kehidupan. Contohnya? Mempercayai seseorang yang beberapa kali menyakitkan hati kita? Bila kita mengambil keputusan untuk berkahwin? Berjudi di Genting Highland? Hahahaha. Hey, umpama terjun dari puncak gunung apa. Kau tidak tahu apa di bawah itu, kau just terjun, dan mengharapkan bila kau di bawah sana, ada trampoline datang menyambut. =P

Kehidupan itu sendiri adalah perjudian. Perjudian yang berakhir dengan kematian.

Kalau fikir-fikir balik, mati itu sendiri adalah sebenarnya "the call of the void" kan?

HISB: Tak tanya pun tiga lima.

Saya mempunyai satu perangai budak-budak (ok saya tipu bukan satu, ada sepuluh rasanya). Bila saya ternampak satu email berbaur spam tetapi celah mana boleh masuk inbox, maka saya akan secara automatik reply yang berbaur kebudak-budakan juga. Sama lah dengan orang yang menghantar, konon hebat habis lah sebarkan benda tah hapa-hapa pergi personal email orang. Tak malu!

Dulu pernah sekali, ada seorang makhluk tah siapa tah hantar flyer Bank Rakyat dengan subjek "flyers" .Lepas tu ada attachment je, tiada apa penerangan. Kerana hari itu mood saya tidak berapa baik, saya pun hantar "Go fuck yourself". Sekali dia reply, masa itu dah terfikir "Fulamak bukan spam rupanya". Dia reply: "Salam, maaf tersalah hantar..sepatutnya rozalizah! Tak elok kasar sgt bahasa.." Malangnya saya tidak rasa bersalah, saya hanya rasa lawak.

Haha. Ok entri random. Kbye.

HISB: Look into infinity

Back in the university, I loved to lie down on the grass and watch the stars with a couple of good friends. Well, the grass in the States is much much nicer than what we have here. Plus the weather is just nice and people there are not nosy. It feels like you are invisible. In a very good way I mean.

Shit, I miss being a minority. =( I don't want to be heard. I don't want to be seen. I just want to look at the stars and imagine that I'm looking into the past. Why? Well do you remember what we learned about the speed of light? The farther the star we are looking at, the longer the star's light to reach our eyes. And yes, distance of the stars is measured using in terms of how many years it takes light to travel. So if the nearest star is 4 light-years away, when we look at the same star, we don't see it as it is today, but as it was four years ago. Literally it's like looking into the past. Isn't that cool? It's like you are time traveling using your eyes!

With this knowledge you can try to impress somebody you really like by asking him/her " Hey I'm gonna time travel, wanna join?" "Time travel? How?" "Look up!" Hahaha. Lame, but it's kinda sweet. But if you date an airhead, please be ready to explain about the time travel part. Haha. So what are you waiting for? Look up above,at the shiny stars, into infinity, and shout to yourself "I'M TIME TRAVELING WITH MY EYES!!!" XD